Growing up and Growing old

As a child, you feel immortal and the first time you experience the death of a family member or friend, you're left confused. I was by no means morbid, but do recall being curious about what was happening. There were a handful of deaths that I had to experience growing up. A few family members, some very close to me and a couple friends, which shakes you to the core as a teenager. Although, I knew that all those deaths were real and those people disappeared from my life, it still seemed surreal. I am now 24 and my great grandfather, who is almost 91, is slowly slipping away from us and I'm reflecting on death as an adult and it feels different.

Death and dying is a process. Two different processes. This I have definitely learned. I studied Funeral Science in college. I picked it up for no particular reason, it sounded interesting, little did I know it would alter my life and change me in many ways. I jumped in feet first, ready and willing to absorb as much information as I could. My eyes were opened to a world that most know nothing about. The funeral business is very private, as it should be. I was blessed with opportunities and walked into a wonderful apprentice job at a funeral home and thrived. Everything felt natural to me. I was never afraid to touch a body and found that comforting a grieving family was a special gift. A gift I was given. I dealt with the family after the death, helped take care of the body after death, I learned the processes of death. I never realized there was a different process of dying. I experienced firsthand the many faces of death. The old, the young, the sick, the unexpected, the mother, the father, the child and so on. Each experience providing a new lesson for me. I loved my job, finished college in three years and became a licensed Funeral Director/Embalmer. Unfortunately, I was only able to take care of two families as their Funeral Director, before my life went in another direction. Although, I wasn't working in a funeral home, I stayed close to the business and still do today.

A few years later, I found myself working nights in a hospital on a step down unit, which means we had some very critical patients. I was a monitor tech, all of our patients wore heart monitors. I analyzed their rhythms, reported problems, checked leads and many other little insignificant tasks. I was again working in a world that most don't really know about. My first week there, we had a patient who I knew, she was going through so much and eventually died. It was my first time to be on the other side of death, the process of dying.

I remember specifically we had a patient who was on comfort only, she was dying and was just to be kept comfortable. I removed the heart monitor and I saw her pain, her eyes spoke mountains of words, she was so thankful to be getting rid of all the monitors, she wanted nothing more than just to rest. Four hours later, her RN checked on her and she was dead. The Dr. ordered me to put the monitor back on, so that we could run a strip on her. My eyes filled up with tears as I was in the room all alone with her, overcome with emotions while placing leads on the chest, there was no rising and falling, just a sweet stillness. There was no more struggling, she wasn't hurting and I was happy for her, but truly stricken with grief that she had died. I didn't really know her, didn't know her story, but felt for her. Back at my desk, I watched her monitor and every 30 seconds or so her heart would beat, the body was trying so hard to hold on. I was a part of the dying process for her and it affected me.

My great grandfather has lived longer than most and he has had a very fulfilling life. He has accomplished much, he's a WWII veteran , raised a family, witnessed his family continue to grow and new generations be born. What an amazing blessing for him to hold his great great grandson, who happens to be my son. Up until recently he has been self sufficient, lived on his own, still driving(though he shouldn't) and very coherent! How quickly a couple months can change your life. Now he is in a nursing home, unable to balance himself enough to walk, his precious mind is failing him and it's devastating. I know what's happening here and I know that his time with us is coming to it's end.

Dying is inevitable for all of us, we will all eventually die and one by one we will fade from this earth, those who love us will surely miss us, but their lives go on. I want to cherish life, value life and respect the process of death and dying and how it changes you.