The Life I Planned...

I read and I write, I often gather inspiration from music, books and of course life. This evening, for no particular reason, I was reading through a book that I received as a gift as a teenager. "Things Pondered" by Beth Moore, is a beautiful collection of short stories and poems that speak encouraging words to women. Now, I know I have read this book many times before, but this night, one poem reached out to me. As I was reading through it, I felt that pitting feeling rise in my stomach. I have been questioning my life and the unfamiliar path that I have taken, I have found myself in a place I never dreamed I'd be...so what happened to the life I had planned?

I wanted to copy some of the words that captured me below;

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Has someone seen the life I planned

It seems it's been misplaced

I've looked in every corner

It's lost without a trace

I've found one I don't recognize

Things missing that were clear

Promises I'd hoped to keep

And dreams I'd dreamed aren't here

Faces I had planned to see

Hands I planned to hold

Now absent in the pictures

Not the way I told.

Has someone seen the life I planned?

Did it get thrown away?
God took my hand from searching

Then I heard him say

"Child, your ears have never heard

Your eyes have never seen

Eternal plans I have for you

Are more than you could dream.

"You long to walk by sight

But I'm teaching eyes to see.

I know what I am doing

'Til then, you must believe."

He's done so much, I felt ashamed

To know He heard my moans

To think I'd trade in all He's done

For plans made on my own.

I offered Him my future

And released to Him my past
I traded in my dreams

For a plan He said would last.

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I will be the first to say that I have created my own plans, often neglected God's will for my life and continued on a way that I thought was best for me. How thankful I am that even still, he has blessed me. Only God knows my whole story, He lets me write each chapter on my own, asking only that I let Him lead me through. It is His resplendent love and the life He has planned for me that allows me to trust and believe that great things are in store for me, here on earth and in heaven.

Here's a toast...

To the little boy who has captured my heart. Your presence in my life is overwhelming. Every day, I pray for you. I pray for your future, that you will let God and his sweet light invade your life and you will live to serve him each day. Learn from each trial, take note from every minor mistake and thrive on the amazing gifts that God will bless you with.
You are so small and so innocent right now, I cherish this time for you. I love you with all my heart. I thank God for you everyday.

Growing up and Growing old

As a child, you feel immortal and the first time you experience the death of a family member or friend, you're left confused. I was by no means morbid, but do recall being curious about what was happening. There were a handful of deaths that I had to experience growing up. A few family members, some very close to me and a couple friends, which shakes you to the core as a teenager. Although, I knew that all those deaths were real and those people disappeared from my life, it still seemed surreal. I am now 24 and my great grandfather, who is almost 91, is slowly slipping away from us and I'm reflecting on death as an adult and it feels different.

Death and dying is a process. Two different processes. This I have definitely learned. I studied Funeral Science in college. I picked it up for no particular reason, it sounded interesting, little did I know it would alter my life and change me in many ways. I jumped in feet first, ready and willing to absorb as much information as I could. My eyes were opened to a world that most know nothing about. The funeral business is very private, as it should be. I was blessed with opportunities and walked into a wonderful apprentice job at a funeral home and thrived. Everything felt natural to me. I was never afraid to touch a body and found that comforting a grieving family was a special gift. A gift I was given. I dealt with the family after the death, helped take care of the body after death, I learned the processes of death. I never realized there was a different process of dying. I experienced firsthand the many faces of death. The old, the young, the sick, the unexpected, the mother, the father, the child and so on. Each experience providing a new lesson for me. I loved my job, finished college in three years and became a licensed Funeral Director/Embalmer. Unfortunately, I was only able to take care of two families as their Funeral Director, before my life went in another direction. Although, I wasn't working in a funeral home, I stayed close to the business and still do today.

A few years later, I found myself working nights in a hospital on a step down unit, which means we had some very critical patients. I was a monitor tech, all of our patients wore heart monitors. I analyzed their rhythms, reported problems, checked leads and many other little insignificant tasks. I was again working in a world that most don't really know about. My first week there, we had a patient who I knew, she was going through so much and eventually died. It was my first time to be on the other side of death, the process of dying.

I remember specifically we had a patient who was on comfort only, she was dying and was just to be kept comfortable. I removed the heart monitor and I saw her pain, her eyes spoke mountains of words, she was so thankful to be getting rid of all the monitors, she wanted nothing more than just to rest. Four hours later, her RN checked on her and she was dead. The Dr. ordered me to put the monitor back on, so that we could run a strip on her. My eyes filled up with tears as I was in the room all alone with her, overcome with emotions while placing leads on the chest, there was no rising and falling, just a sweet stillness. There was no more struggling, she wasn't hurting and I was happy for her, but truly stricken with grief that she had died. I didn't really know her, didn't know her story, but felt for her. Back at my desk, I watched her monitor and every 30 seconds or so her heart would beat, the body was trying so hard to hold on. I was a part of the dying process for her and it affected me.

My great grandfather has lived longer than most and he has had a very fulfilling life. He has accomplished much, he's a WWII veteran , raised a family, witnessed his family continue to grow and new generations be born. What an amazing blessing for him to hold his great great grandson, who happens to be my son. Up until recently he has been self sufficient, lived on his own, still driving(though he shouldn't) and very coherent! How quickly a couple months can change your life. Now he is in a nursing home, unable to balance himself enough to walk, his precious mind is failing him and it's devastating. I know what's happening here and I know that his time with us is coming to it's end.

Dying is inevitable for all of us, we will all eventually die and one by one we will fade from this earth, those who love us will surely miss us, but their lives go on. I want to cherish life, value life and respect the process of death and dying and how it changes you.

Sleep...or a lack thereof

Eventually, I will be able to write about getting too much sleep, ok probably not going to happen, but it sounds nice.

I accomplished my goal for last night, by being in bed by 10pm. However, it was a major battle. I felt like there was so much I could be doing around the house and did fold a load of laundry right before I went to bed, which made me feel better. I turned off the lights about 10:30pm and attempted to get comfortable and drift off to sleep. It didn't happen. I begin to think. Which was a huge mistake, the wheels started turning and though my eyes were closed, I was wide awake.

There I was, all snuggled up and processing the day as usual. I cannot believe how much the mind absorbs each day. I tend to get lost in the task of running here and there, remembering appts, being on the computer, answering the phone, thinking about Joshua, drinking a dr. pepper(then remembering the pounds I want to lose and go fill up my water bottle), wondering about bills, new car, prayer and the list could go on. This happens everyday and finally at night, I realized what all went on and I've slowed down just enough to actually think about it. Finally, I feel myself falling asleep and last time I looked at the clock it was 11:30pm...so much for getting caught up on sleep.

The point to the rambling here is I wanna find a way to slow it down each day. Take on and take in less. I don't really know if this is possible, but how sweet it would be to give my mind a break, to allow myself to soak in each day slowly, enjoy it and go onto the next day.

Exhausted

Over the last few days, I have felt as though I've had enough. Joshua has slowly eased into some strange and exhausting sleeping habits, at least for me. He goes to bed just fine, usually Elmo, a few night night songs and no fights or anything, I think I've won and begin to settle myself down for the day. Usually, about 12am he comes stumbling into my room and crawls up in my bed, now there is nothing wrong with this, but being the good mother that I am, I wait til he is almost asleep again and gently carry him back to his own bed. He doesn't fight it, just rolls over and snuggles up with his monkey. Again, I think I've won, but a few hours later, he comes to my bed again. At this point, I am really sleeping good, so I just cuddle him up and wait for the alarm to go off in the next few hours. He doesn't seem upset when he comes to my room, so I don't really know why we are in this waking up every few hours phase again, but how easily I have forgotten what it was like to be up doing feedings and diaper changes in the middle of the night. Don't get me wrong, sometimes I really love when he sleeps with me, he will cup my face or snuggle up really close and that is worth all the sleep I'm losing.

However, all the sleep I am losing, along with the mental race I run everyday and emotional battles I've been fighting, I feel myself wearing down. So tonight, I vow to get in bed by 10pm...maybe. :)

Motherhood

Almost two years ago, God blessed me with a special assignment, to raise a child. He allowed my body to carry him and nuture him for nine months. I shared a special, intimate time with him that no one else will ever know. Upon his birth, I was able to be with Joshua every moment for the first year of his life. As his second birthday quickly approaches, I have had a wonderful time of reflecting on the first two years of his life. It is truly amazing how we become so much in love with our children even before we have seen them. He was so much a part of my heart from the moment I knew I was pregnant.

I will always remember our first moments alone together after he was born, how in those sweet glances and soft touches, my life was forever changed. Through the thousands of diapers, breastfeeding, bottles, the never ending spit up(which once landed right on top of my head), the long nights, frustrating days, moments of "I can't do this," laughter, tears, food throwing and temper tantrums, I have become a mother.

Already those sweet glances and soft touches don't happen as often, he is usually too busy for down time with Momma. He is almost 2, and I'm in awe of how much he has developed in such a short time. Two years ago he was cooing and swinging his arms around, now he's saying 3 or 4 words together and throwing me a ball. Wow! For anyone out there who doesn't believe in God, I ask you to watch a woman's belly grow over nine months, see a baby be born, then watch that child grow.

Joshua has had bronchitis, he was doing so good for a few weeks and then bam, he gets hit with it all over again. So, we are back on with all the breathing treatments, antibiotics and steroids. That little boy's lungs love to build up with fluid. He really put on a show for the Dr., he started singing his ABC's. The Dr. was thrilled and says that he is smart for his age. Now, he may have just said that to humor me, but I don't care, Joshua is a genius! I hate seeing him sick and not feeling good, but I do secretly love that he wants to do nothing but cuddle up with me. Joshua only needed one day of that and he is back to himself.

Overall, we are doing fantastic. I have had some bad days and am trying very hard to stay positive and look towards the future when we can all move on.