Oh my!!!

Engaged, planning a wedding, planning a move across the country...hello new life!

Back to the blog...

It's been well over a year since my last post...woops! I have ventured to this page several times with the intentions of adding some great words but something always came up or I just changed my mind. I have been busy and I like that. Life has been happening and it's all been good for the most part, I cannot complain.

My Joshua turned 3 in March and woah, he is a handful. I love it. I love his energy. I will admit that I am a little jealous of it sometimes. Our routine is fairly consistent and non-eventful. I have the most amazing relationship with my best friend and he is amazing. Downside is that right now he is in Washington, I am in Oklahoma. Welcome to the military, or a relationship with someone in the military. We have survived a deployment and things are looking to only get better in the future. I can't wait!!!

Rain, Rain

I'm ready for sunshine, sunshine that lasts longer than a few hours. The rain is getting to be depressing...really it is! It was quite nice for a few days, but I believe we are going on a week here, where each day has included some rain. I am also running out of indoor activities, or at least indoor activities that my two year old wants to participate in. So please bring me some sunshine.

That's all I have to say about that...

A reverie

I am void of words, words that used to sing my soul into motion. Taking me up, up and up. Words of a past that dream of becoming the future. A future that finds me in a place where it is possible to love without reservations, speak endless words of truth and to do more than love, but to be loved. The future seems so far away from me. At times you seem so close, I know that I could touch you, but it isn't real. You, my future, have become an illusion. A reverie, where I discover the beauty of unconditional affection.

I realize you cannot dream, wish or want love into motion. To force love will only leave you with an empty passion, a yearning for something more and false perception of a reality that will never be. You will awake only to discover an aching pain and a depleted heart, a heart void of giving or receiving.

And so I say to my soul, find a safe place, a dwelling where you can rest, heal, make yourself whole again and give me words. Words that will sing my soul, my heart, my body back into motion.

Quiet

They say in the quiet you can find rest

In my quiet, I awaken the storms within me.

Storms that take hold and shake me,

Creeping their way to the surface and forcing me to face them.

All I can do is meet them and wait for the sunrise.

A sunrise that brings a new day with it's own set of challenges

Another chance to watch the storms rebuild before me,

I sometimes find sweet comfort in the storms

Storms that mold my heart and strip away the layers.

The storms that wash me clean.

But there are storms that leave me stained,

feeling that I have been drenched in a black rain.

So my quiet becomes a loud place.

A place that shapes, creates and breaks me.

Yet after each storm, I find rest.

The Life I Planned...

I read and I write, I often gather inspiration from music, books and of course life. This evening, for no particular reason, I was reading through a book that I received as a gift as a teenager. "Things Pondered" by Beth Moore, is a beautiful collection of short stories and poems that speak encouraging words to women. Now, I know I have read this book many times before, but this night, one poem reached out to me. As I was reading through it, I felt that pitting feeling rise in my stomach. I have been questioning my life and the unfamiliar path that I have taken, I have found myself in a place I never dreamed I'd be...so what happened to the life I had planned?

I wanted to copy some of the words that captured me below;

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Has someone seen the life I planned

It seems it's been misplaced

I've looked in every corner

It's lost without a trace

I've found one I don't recognize

Things missing that were clear

Promises I'd hoped to keep

And dreams I'd dreamed aren't here

Faces I had planned to see

Hands I planned to hold

Now absent in the pictures

Not the way I told.

Has someone seen the life I planned?

Did it get thrown away?
God took my hand from searching

Then I heard him say

"Child, your ears have never heard

Your eyes have never seen

Eternal plans I have for you

Are more than you could dream.

"You long to walk by sight

But I'm teaching eyes to see.

I know what I am doing

'Til then, you must believe."

He's done so much, I felt ashamed

To know He heard my moans

To think I'd trade in all He's done

For plans made on my own.

I offered Him my future

And released to Him my past
I traded in my dreams

For a plan He said would last.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I will be the first to say that I have created my own plans, often neglected God's will for my life and continued on a way that I thought was best for me. How thankful I am that even still, he has blessed me. Only God knows my whole story, He lets me write each chapter on my own, asking only that I let Him lead me through. It is His resplendent love and the life He has planned for me that allows me to trust and believe that great things are in store for me, here on earth and in heaven.

Here's a toast...

To the little boy who has captured my heart. Your presence in my life is overwhelming. Every day, I pray for you. I pray for your future, that you will let God and his sweet light invade your life and you will live to serve him each day. Learn from each trial, take note from every minor mistake and thrive on the amazing gifts that God will bless you with.
You are so small and so innocent right now, I cherish this time for you. I love you with all my heart. I thank God for you everyday.